White HoleSometimes I stop midstride in my tracksand marvel at the view of liquid goldmelting into cumulus clouds of greyand blue until I forget what elseI had thought I had to do.While the morning light washes intothe misty valley, as fresh and newas it ever had, I find myself lost;a barnacle clad rock,perturbing the anonymous tideof the other suits and ties brushing by.But in truth I'm not the rock -I am the leech - easily seduced,easy to lose my shell of countenance.So I turn my face into the icy windand collar up I let myself be pushedalong a world line with a future light coneso dim, I can't see how to live in.
Coronary nerve endingsTell me could I touch youif I extended my armand tried to reach you?If we stopped the cokeand let the drinking beJust for one night, say:could you even bear me?Could I even bear you andthe wound where yousmashed the crystalashtray against my head?Could I reach you or are youjust a trick of the light, anothermeaningless painkiller for mymind? No.You are so much more than I can say;you have to be: I want you to bemy saviour for today - to be the light;to be the light just for one or the otherday and maybe another night of listlesslife in carelessness and cold concreteamong lithium brains and amphetaminestrained ever-tired hearts and minds.
Heart for saleWhen I was young, I used to not thinkbefore I talked, now I choke and die in warzones,on politeness and hydrochloric acid fumes.When I was young, I used to not thinkabout the way I walked, now I teeter along onthe edges of the gyri and fissurae of my brain.When I was young, I used to not takeso many pills; pills that cause cerebellar ataxiaand disrupt the conduit of my precocious ingenuity -When I was young, the pins and needlesinside my heart, didn't use to be and didn'trattle like a poor man's dimes inside a coffee cup.When I was young, I didn't use to be alone,didn't use to be left on my own to think and scaremyself to death of this self that I had to get to know.
Nyx and ErebusNot much more than a shift in the phase, reallyof the waves that make up this whole world is allthat it takes to make the void of shadows collapseinto makeshift flesh and brittle bones infusedwith the charm of the unknown and the lingeringdoubt that spreads from these things that youbetter never should have known.I am the god of darkness, and I use to take formas nothingness incarnate - and move through thisbeautiful world while you're with me all the time,being what doesn't reflect in the eyes of passersby,my demimonde goddess, since you are the night.I swallow gazes in the blackness of my eyes andcause lesions in peoples' brains when readingtheir minds - I used to think this was fun, flickeringon and off - very subtly - at the edges of their vision,making them jitter and fear they'd go insane untilthey'd try to chase me down - nowadaysby switching on a hundred thousand electric lights.I feel so weak and out of place in this day and age!My gorgeous bride, who I lov
The Giant SquidSo it's true, the giant squids from the Nordic myths,they do exist. And there you are, having struggledhalf your life to get to the bottom of the inner workingsof your own mind; until in time they show you howto douse the burning spirit and how to reconcilewith the beaten path they put you on for you to trodalong through the rest of this splendid adult life.Much like the giant squid that undulates in darknesseternally, three hundred fathom deep, you now slitheraway and avert your eyes from these lights that had onceexhilarated and drawn you in. You blame it on the climatechange that it's always overcast, but in truth you knowyour eager eyes have become slowly cloudedand your irides are speckled now - too many horrorshave been raining in and spoiled their lustre withmurky spots of dark necrotic skin. These days, you have long since given up thinkingabout giant squids, and realms unknown - no newsis good news, now. And so - walking alone along the beachwhe
Cyanide HeartLying on the lawn on an autumn day,I weep with the culms of grass,long with the leaves on the trees;with these blind spots in my vision,no sun, but black holes puncturethis very dreary sky.Light flares burned these holes in my retinas,watching the goddess in the evening dresssmoke her cigarette - sunshine burstingfrom quaternion equations; indescribablebeauty in thousands of iterations.I kissed a hundred denatoniumstained lips since I ceasedbeing rich and now my arm is shatteredand I can't play the cello anymore.You took the sun with you whenyou left and made being alivenothing but a distant memory.There is no life without light;there's no life without light,no life without love, no loveleft in this blazing darkened sky.--Oh, there's nothing quite like a day spentin a cloud of ether vapour - amazingwhat fun things you can do witha Bunsen burner...The others in the lab keep pretendingour work still had a point. They don't knowthat the very matter, dark and l
Helsinki BayBuzzed driving is drunk driving,they say. And what if this buzzis driving me insane?Your eyes were marbles, filledwith waters from Helsinki Bay.You never lied to me, or so you say.I'm eight years younger and fuckeight times better than the boysthat you have known -Watching people jump off GoldenGate Bridge, we combined forms,keeping awake everyone in the dorm...Wake up. Rubber touchdown, hard on concrete;my youth is waning while the mileage growsby virtue of black hole eyes - Andthis my only talent of reading people -my success comes from manipulating,coercing and killing the feeble.Is it blessing or curse, that I lookthis good in a suit...it's a hundred thousand miles!Goddamn it! Why do these Helsinki eyes -why do they still burn in my mind?
SungrazerThe cost of catharsis was my peace of mind -and the ability to feel at ease with patteringcocktail party chatter.nowadays, metal staples hold my smile in placeand I get sick from the sound of my own voiceever since I noticed all that still drips from my faceare old insipid lines I have regurgitatedone too many times.Staring into my empty glass, I feel panic and repulsionconverge in my mind, knowing that neither any numberof Manhattans I could drink tonight, nor the cocainewe just did upstairs in remembrance of the old times,will cauterize the memory of answers to questionsI never should have asked.Not too long ago I indulged fully in blissful superficiality.I played my role as the handsome libertine so perfectly;always getting away with having more funthan I was entitled to -Maybe I stared at the sun for too long,and in her summer hued light the softest breezeswept over me and took away my charm and coyand now there's really nothing left of me -so rest assured tha
If only you were hereI wish that you were here,to twist the knife inside my woundsand be both the devil and the deep blue sea -to you I sold and in you I sunk my soul.And yet it's all forgiven now;I'd give in and give away again,if only you could be here. You,your cigarettes, your eyes and hairwherever I go, you're everywhere.Life with you was no life;some sort of paradise, in other words -so if only you were there,to drag me out of here.