I must have been around seventeenI must have been around seventeen when lookinginto the mirror made me flinch for the first time -it seemed like in the corner of my eye a mothhad been passing by the lamp, producing tricksof the light and shadows of a very scary type.Staring into my eyes while brushing my teeth,however, I noticed there was something morethan odd to it, something like a perspectiveshift, reminiscent of a mushroom trip - bizarre,during weekday evening soberness.A lithium-ion battery is what I have become,because of this - things you will never understand -like floating just an Angstrom above ground;and never wanting to fall back down.I think now I'm really finally fucking coming down.Please be with me, and never leave.How come your edge of the bed suddenlyfeels so distant from me? Don't do it now -don't do that to me - don't cut down my little tree -I'm not your everyday circus oddity.I just want to be -I just want to be someone else than me.
Gnaw away at my liverWhen this is over, we need to celebrate.I fell behind, was buried alive,wrapped in bittersweet goodbyesand fading intimaciesfrom some other life.But one of these daysI'll be back on your doorstep.When this is over, the sun will rise.Back in my heyday, I was the wrenchstuck between the gears that drovea well oiled machine staging whatthe majority calls 'sensible adult life'.When this is over, I will kiss you.Then I will no longer be the nuisance,the polymorphic deviation -the one who couldn't exist,because I couldn't refrainfrom breaking this goddamn game.I will find you and love you, someday -when I manage to claw my wayout of this prison cell I made myself;brick upon brick of anger and shame -and the most obnoxious type of madness:an unreasonable, perverted,disastrous kind of contentment.
Ten-Thousand PSII built us a temple.A tomb under the sea.It's our temple of silence,In bottom feeder darkness,under ten-thousand psiof sadness, unfathomably deep.Down here, flatfish alonescurry over peels of skinand cracks of shellswith nothing but sea within.Attended by flounders,generations turned to dust,succumbed and piled up -miles upon anotherof genealogic confetti.Not far from here, justa little further underneath,I'm sure there rests the carcassof our first common ancestor.So be on your way and leave me alone;I breath water by nowto escape you after all.Just let me swim and be free amongmy protozoan paramecia brothers and sisters.
White HoleSometimes I stop midstride in my tracksand marvel at the view of liquid goldmelting into cumulus clouds of greyand blue until I forget what elseI had thought I had to do.While the morning light washes intothe misty valley, as fresh and newas it ever had, I find myself lost;a barnacle clad rock,perturbing the anonymous tideof the other suits and ties brushing by.But in truth I'm not the rock -I am the leech - easily seduced,easy to lose my shell of countenance.So I turn my face into the icy windand collar up I let myself be pushedalong a world line with a future light coneso dim, I can't see how to live in.
Coronary nerve endingsTell me could I touch youif I extended my armand tried to reach you?If we stopped the cokeand let the drinking beJust for one night, say:could you even bear me?Could I even bear you andthe wound where yousmashed the crystalashtray against my head?Could I reach you or are youjust a trick of the light, anothermeaningless painkiller for mymind? No.You are so much more than I can say;you have to be: I want you to bemy saviour for today - to be the light;to be the light just for one or the otherday and maybe another night of listlesslife in carelessness and cold concreteamong lithium brains and amphetaminestrained ever-tired hearts and minds.
Heart for saleWhen I was young, I used to not thinkbefore I talked, now I choke and die in warzones,on politeness and hydrochloric acid fumes.When I was young, I used to not thinkabout the way I walked, now I teeter along onthe edges of the gyri and fissurae of my brain.When I was young, I used to not takeso many pills; pills that cause cerebellar ataxiaand disrupt the conduit of my precocious ingenuity -When I was young, the pins and needlesinside my heart, didn't use to be and didn'trattle like a poor man's dimes inside a coffee cup.When I was young, I didn't use to be alone,didn't use to be left on my own to think and scaremyself to death of this self that I had to get to know.
Nyx and ErebusNot much more than a shift in the phase, reallyof the waves that make up this whole world is allthat it takes to make the void of shadows collapseinto makeshift flesh and brittle bones infusedwith the charm of the unknown and the lingeringdoubt that spreads from these things that youbetter never should have known.I am the god of darkness, and I use to take formas nothingness incarnate - and move through thisbeautiful world while you're with me all the time,being what doesn't reflect in the eyes of passersby,my demimonde goddess, since you are the night.I swallow gazes in the blackness of my eyes andcause lesions in peoples' brains when readingtheir minds - I used to think this was fun, flickeringon and off - very subtly - at the edges of their vision,making them jitter and fear they'd go insane untilthey'd try to chase me down - nowadaysby switching on a hundred thousand electric lights.I feel so weak and out of place in this day and age!My gorgeous bride, who I lov
The Giant SquidSo it's true, the giant squids from the Nordic myths,they do exist. And there you are, having struggledhalf your life to get to the bottom of the inner workingsof your own mind; until in time they show you howto douse the burning spirit and how to reconcilewith the beaten path they put you on for you to trodalong through the rest of this splendid adult life.Much like the giant squid that undulates in darknesseternally, three hundred fathom deep, you now slitheraway and avert your eyes from these lights that had onceexhilarated and drawn you in. You blame it on the climatechange that it's always overcast, but in truth you knowyour eager eyes have become slowly cloudedand your irides are speckled now - too many horrorshave been raining in and spoiled their lustre withmurky spots of dark necrotic skin. These days, you have long since given up thinkingabout giant squids, and realms unknown - no newsis good news, now. And so - walking alone along the beachwhe